This is a question I have asked myself a lot recently! Largely, that’s because it wasn’t an easy journey and I still can’t believe I’m here. I know that, really, I am at the start of my journey but in so many ways it feels as though I am at the end of one too. For that reason, “how did I get here?” seems like a sensible, practical question to ask myself (and not an intellectual, existential one).
I’ve also found myself informally sharing tips, based on my experiences, of application processes. So I thought that perhaps it might be useful to share those experiences in a place where others can read them. Hopefully, they will be helpful to at least one person!
My route to this point has been long and circuitous. I graduated from my undergraduate humanities degree quite some time ago. At the time, I considered staying on to study more but these were the days before the marketisation of higher education and before very large debts were the norm. My parents very much wanted (and expected) me to get a degree but after that the expected route was to get a job, unless I needed to do a vocational course such as teaching training, to pursue my chosen career. I secretly wanted to go further with my studies but I didn’t want large debts and didn’t think I had the ability to secure funding. So I went out to work in a good graduate job that was unrelated to my degree or any of my true passions or ambitions.
A few years later, I decided to re-train in a different field. Initially I did a masters in Human Rights and worked in the third sector afterwards. After having children, started to teach ESOL (having gained a TEFL qualification) and wanted to have as many options with that as possible, so I enroled on a post-compulsory education PGCE course. My husband one day jokingly asked me why I’d never done a PhD as I loved constantly learning so much! (I’ve done other courses of studying and qualifications that I’ve not mentioned here!)
That remark lead to a few more serious conversations and I plucked up the courage to mention this to my personal tutor one day. Her response was to march me down to the appropriate office in the university and to ask the administrators there to give me as much helpful information as possible. They did. I will never forget those moments. My tutor didn’t, for second, show any doubt in my ability or suitable for doctoral level study. Her response to my tentative and fearful question was perfect. It gave me the confidence that I’d always lacked.
From there, things seemed to snowball. I contacted a few academics at the university where I was studying. I contacted a few at other institutions as well. Some replied to me, some didn’t. One of my current supervisors was one of those who did. She invited me along to meet with her and some others from the department/school. On the day of the meeting, there were two academics who made it along. Those two have supported me ever since and I must admit I do often wonder why! I turned up to that first meeting with several vague ideas. I knew that dedicated three or more years of my life to studying a topic meant it had to be something I was really interested in. I struggled to be sure enough to narrow it down, before this meeting. I now know that is not at all unusual but at the time I felt like an idiot and a fraud going into the meeting. That’s not how I felt coming out.
I came out feeling excited. I felt as though I might actually get a key to open a door that had always seemed firmly locked shut. However, there were still a few obstacles for me to get past, before I could put the key in the lock, turn it and push that door open. I may have started to feel I might have the ability to do a PhD but the financial side of things remained a concern. This was compounded by the fact that the univserity, like many now, required all applicants to have or do a masters with a heavy focus on research methods. My MA didn’t meet those requirements so I would have to do a second master’s degree and would be ineligible for any standard Student Finance support to do it. I had two choices, I could self-fund a MSc in Social Science Research Methods or I could apply for the most competitive funding option of an Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC) scholarship with the MSc element included, this is known as 1+3 funding.
When the euphoria of not being laughed out of an academic’s office wore off, I panicked. The doubts began to creep in once again. My husband was great and pointed out that I had nothing to lose by trying. So I did. I continued with my PGCE and at the same time worked with the two academics to put together a proposal for a PhD application. I made it through the first round of screening and was invited for an interview. I went in and did my best to appear enthusiastic and passionate. Sadly, what I failed to do (I think) was appear competent enough and as though I had thought sufficiently about research approaches. I don’t know this as feedback isn’t given from these interviews, sadly. But, with hindsight, I’d guess that was the primary issue and my application was ‘rejected’.
At that point, I felt utterly despondent. It felt as though all I’d done was prove that all the doubts I’d had were right. I wasn’t ‘good enough’ and, even if I was, I couldn’t afford to prove that my funding the MSc myself. Once again, my husband and my current supervisors proved how amazing they are. They somehow gave me the confidence boost to apply for the MSc, giving myself time to figure out my options. My supervisors passed me the details of a university scholarship that would cover half the fees. I got a place on the MSc and the scholarship but I still needed to work out how to pay the other half, cover childcare costs and ensure that my family household income was sufficient to cover our other outgoings.
That summer I fretted a lot about what to do about my place on the MSc. I now really felt that I needed to find out whether or not a PhD was something I could do. I didn’t want to walk away and always be left wondering ‘what if”. On the other hand, getting through the MSc was going to be tough on me and my family. Would it be worth it? I spent time doing checking what my options would be with the MSc, if I didn’t go on to do a PhD. Would it still be worth it, if I got no further? I turned up for the induction still unsure what to do but I’d done enough research to be sure the MSc in itself could definitely be of good use to me. I decided to carry on and do the course full-time.
I had been warned that the MSc was intense. I thought I was prepared for that. I’d worked two jobs for half of my undergraduate degree, doing full-time hours over weekends at one of them. I’d been recovering from surgery and working 3 days a week for my MA. I knew the MSc would be tougher than that, as a parent and with the need to work part-time at first. It was brutal! I won’t say much more than that, except that having an ESRC scholarship for that year would have made it “just” very tough and not brutal. The financial pressures and the need to prepare another application really tipped the scales a lot, especially as the PhD application deadline was very close to the major first semester assessment deadlines (4 assignments all due on the same day as each other).
Still, I submitted my application. I tried to ensure I’d learnt lessons from my first application. I felt my proposal was much stronger than the previous year, thanks, in particular, to both my supervisor-to-be and the teaching on the Education Debates and Foundations of Social Science Research Methods modules. I’d made as much use as possible of any reading I’d done so far on the MSc as well as anything relevant from my PGCE. I’d even dredged up old knowledge and re-visited texts from my MA. The combination of Christmas, assignments and the proposal did take its toll. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I came down with a nasty virus in January 2018!
During the long wait for a response and the potential interview dates, I concentrated on the MSc. By the time the interview came round, I felt much much more prepared than I had the year before. I felt I had much clearer and stronger ideas on what I wanted to do with the proposed project and, more importantly, how. I came out of that interview feeling it I performed at a different level from the year before. I hoped I was right. I was.
I was offered a place at the university. I was offered an ESRC scholarship/stipend. All I had to do was accept the offers and pass the MSc. I did both! I didn’t get the mark for my masters dissertation until after the start date for the PhD. So I did have moments of fear and doubt that maybe I’d have failed that final hurdle. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Here I am, officially a PhD candidate.
Research Stories 